Friday, April 26, 2013

If you want to get back with your Ex, Do Not...

Getting Back With Your Ex Again

Getting back with your ex-partner again, is always possible. However, a great many people fall into the trap of a number of obvious mistakes, in their strategy.

  • No Pushing
You cannot force love. The more you try to make your Ex love you, or accept you again - the faster they will run in the other direction.
  • No Begging
Not only is this highly embarrassing to your ex-partner and anyone within earshot, it will come back to haunt you. Your own confidence, self-esteem and dignity, will take a nose-dive. Apart from being just plain pathetic, it also portrays you as being weak. AND, it won't
  • No Alchohol
Drowning our sorrows is an inalienable right, for anyone who has been emotionally devastated by a break-up.Getting drunk, will win you no brownie-points though.

With alchohol clouding your already confused and bruised soul, you are even more likely to do or say something really dumb - if not out-right embarrassing to all and sundry.

Alchohol and anger,or violence often go hand-in-hand, too. Don't make things worse. Just don't be drinking when important matters are up for consideration!
  • The Telephone and the Drink
    DO NOT even THINK about it!! Nothing worse than a maudlin, ranting and raving drunk on the other end of the phone.
  • Apologizing
Be careful here. It generally takes two people to ruin a relationship, be it with your ex- lover, ex-boy/girl friend, ex-husband, or ex-wife. Saying you’re sorry is always a good start to the healing process, but avoid taking the blame for everything that was wrong with your relationship, as this may convince your ex that you are just no good. Although the break-up may indeed be all down to you - it's not your fault if it rained every time you went on a picnic.
  • No Bad-mouthing
Your ex-partners friends are not going to like you anymore, they will take sides and it will not be yours. Friends do that, that's why they are friends. Solidarity and all that.

Should you be unfortunate enough to be informed of negative advice, about you, by your ex's friends - wear it. Getting defensive, or even worse, bad-mouthing them in return, will only make things worse, for you.

Your ex will be compelled to defend the friends and create another reason to dislike you. If you are going to succeed at winning back your ex, accept these views gracefully. You don't have to like it, or agree, just accept - don't compete, then at least you will have retained some
  • No Settling for Less
Speaking of Dignity, do try and not grab the first available warm body, in an effort to make your ex-partner jealous. This will not work, and there are a number of colourful but rude names applied to this sort of person. Being strong and self sustained in this matter, indicates to your ex that they are the only one you are interested in.
  • The Leper in You
Relying on your friends, as a shoulder to cry on sure is comforting. But try not to over-burden them to the point, where they see you coming and hide. We all know the person who bangs on about their ex at every available opportunity. Given that this is often a normal part of the grieving process and cathartic, it is not necessary – don’t let it be you. Be a grown-up.
  • No Self Aggrandisement
Telling tales, embarrassing stories, or rumour-mongoring about your ex, will only come back to haunt you. The “he said/she said” game is best left where it belongs - in the school-ground. This can have a snowball-effect and things can get blown out of all proportion.

If you are going to start telling little lies - remember that you must keep telling them, to cover the previous ones - AND you had better have an enormous memory to keep up with them all. A Rule to Live by: “If you don’t have something nice to say, then don't say anything."
  • The F-Word is an N-Word
Avoid using the word “friends”. It's a No-No. Ultimately, you are trying to get back together, in your "relationship". So call it that, manifest your desire - it's a "relationship". Calling yourselves "friends" is a backward step and you may just keep on going in that direction.
  • The Ghost in You
Try to avoid going to "those places we used to go". Or some place that you know your ex-partner will be. This will not appear as a "coincidence". You cannot just casually re-join the "old group", you have a history now.

Guaranteed, if you try this tactic - everyone will go quiet, immediately after they have said their uncomfortable hello's. Apart from making a fool of yourself, what are you going to do next? Well, you could just leave and retain at least some of dignity.

But, you won't, will you?
No, your going to go sit at the bar on your lonesome, sadly sipping at your drink. Wow, what a tragic sight - surely someone will see just-how-much-your-hurting and offer some succour? This will not garner you one ounce of sympathy! You are only going to look pathetic! Just don't do it!!
  • "I just don't care anymore"
Okay, you have felt better. Actually you feel like crap. Who cares what you look, or smell like? Well actually, your ex does. He/she will be seeing how you fare, you are supposed to be trying to get back there, not advertising that you are a lost cause.

Don't give up on your appearance. This is the time to look your best. Start working out, get some new clothes, and focus on improving yourself. You need to show the world what your ex is missing, you are one prime catch.
  • The Plan
There is no plan, no rules, no "getting-back-together-class" - you have to do this all-by your-self. Starting with small goals like, keeping up your appearance, or staying sober, try to acheive these things everyday. Then move on to those that are a little more difficult, like creating a happy environment around yourself - buy yourself a bunch of flowers (this applies to men, too) every Tuesday. It's a small thing, but it helps - try it.
  • Try
Quite possibly the hardest thing to accomplish when you are feeling so devastated - You Must Try. Sitting around, wallowing in self-pity and remorse, will not get your ex back.

Hopefully, the words above have given you an insight into what not to do, when trying to get back with your ex again.

There is more information to be found on Getting Back With Your Ex Again if you would like to visit:


3 Ways To Survive His Infidelity Without Losing Your Sanity

Surviving infidelity

Infidelity hurts.
There is no ifs or buts about it

get your man backThe pain and shock of discovering that the one person you have loved for almost all your life has been unfaithful to you is perhaps one of most traumatic and devastating events that can happen to you and one that I hope you don't have to experience.

Unfortunately, you and I know that life isn't exactly fair.
Infidelity happens and it can take years before couples repair a relationship marred by such an event, if at all.

Now calm down, I didn't say it's not possible now did I?
I merely said that it could be tough.

It's going to take a lot of work on both you and your partner's part if you want it to work.

Before I talk about what you, yourself, can do in order for you to survive the infidelity, let me start by talking
about what can affect your recovery success rate.

Recovery is possible. Many couples have bounced back and have even developed a stronger and more intimate relationship.

How your relationship was before the infidelity is one factor that can affect recovery. Obviously if there were
some animosity before hand it may make reconciliation a little more difficult.

At the same time, there's also the commitment level to make it work, both yours and his. Let's face it, if you two don't feel like getting back together again, well it's not going to work.
We're talking about motivation here. If you're not truly motivated to save the relationship then it won't be saved.
You two are the best indicator as to whether or not your relationship is worth saving.


Ok, now let's get down to what you can do in order to survive such an emotional event - knock on wood that you don't have to experience it.

1) Give yourself a break and treat yourself.

You heard me. Go out and treat yourself. You've just been through hell so why not treat yourself to a little bit of heaven to make up for it.

What heaven is depends on your definition of it and just how far your imagination takes you.

Get a new wardrobe, or two. A new outfit can do wonders in rejuvenating yourself.

If you want a physical makeover go to a spa or a salon. Treat yourself to a massage or get your hair done.
Even better get the whole makeover package, especially one that has you coming back in stages.

That way you have something to look forward to in the coming days or weeks. An extended revitalizing program if you will.

If a retreat is more your thing then do that. A weekend or even a week in the mountains, communing with nature may just be what the doctor ordered.

After all this is so you get your spirit back.

However, even when I say go out and paint the town red and indulge yourself, I didn't say anything about
not taking care of yourself.
By that I mean not to go overboard. Remember that saying: don't do anything I wouldn't do?
Follow that.

Drink if you must, but drink to mellow, not to get drunk.
Drinking is not the solution to life's problems. And besides, I have yet to see a drunk not have more problems than he or she started with before they were drunk.

Basically, what I'm saying is, don't do anything that you will regret later on. So now instead of only one concern you'll wind up with two, or three, or even four.

"Girl, what did you do last night," comes to mind.

So splurge BUT moderation is key.


2) Let your emotions subside.

You're angry. Of course you are. And not just anger.
You're also sad, as well as confused. Emotions that make for one very explosive brew.
And why not, you have been through a life-altering event that brought you emotional, psychological, and
physical shock.

Probably your first impulse was to throw his stuff out the window and file for a divorce.
I don't blame you.

That would have been a normal reaction after you've just been betrayed, so why not.

So what do you do? You divorce him and remarry?

Many have gone that route. But often they do it much to their regret.
Rebound romances and marriages often don't compare to the first one.

And you know, by doing all this, you've just given up on hope that things can still be worked out.

Why do I say that? Because if you really sit down and think about things without the emotion, you'll
probably find out that you still very much in love with him, and him with you.

He's probably regretting what he has done, especially when he realizes he's going to lose you.

So what do you do?

Sit, relax, and give your mind time to calm down.

Right now you are in a state of emotional flux.
It's like someone stirred a tank of water and sand.
Clouds up the water doesn't it?
That's what's happening to you now.

So in order to clear the water in the tank you have to let the sand settle - in your case let your emotions

That's why you go and do the 1st thing I suggested above - so you can settle your emotions.


3) Talk about it.

Yes, being a victim of infidelity can be embarrassing - you'll feel ashamed that it happened to you, so much
so that you won't even talk about it with anyone.

I know. I have known people who prefer to keep everything under wraps because they don't want the
stigma associated with it.

If I remember correctly, martyrdom went away with the last of the crusades. And it's not like you're the
poster child for infidelity.

Sorry to bust your bubble sweetie, but this has happened to a lot of women around the world.
The only difference is, many of them chose NOT to hide that fact and some have even come out with it.
What good is hiding it do for you. You keep silent and no one will know - but is it worth it?

So you'll just let all that emotion fester and boil up inside you until one day you snap and commit a
double murder?

Ok so maybe that's a bit much, and I'm sure you won't go that far but at the very least you may suffer a mental breakdown, which in turn WILL affect your life.

Come on, that's not worth it.

There is a lot of help available for people such as yourself. It's only a matter of reaching out to them.
Counselors can be an invaluable help with this concern.

Get a referral or look through the phone book. I would advise looking for one that you can be comfortable with sharing your life's story. And advantage they have is that they are looking at this from an objective point of view so they can properly advise you.

If you are not into sharing your problems with complete strangers then share with your family or even closest friends.
Ask for their opinion. Who knows, the sister you didn't really like may have the best advice to offer.
If nothing else, what I'm saying is: do not attempt to survive infidelity without help.


So you are able to survive infidelity - the event - after it has already happened.

So you're now working to get back together. While that is good, it is true that the root cause of the infidelity has yet to be identified.

Often the cause is not identified so the underlying problem itself is not addressed. What this means is, should you get back together again the cheating can likely happen again.

That's why I put together this guide that will help you in understanding why infidelity happens in a relationship.
Surviving infidelity is an uphill battle. That's why you need to have the tools and the back-up to meet that

This is because reconciliation and compassion are very much possible when the extra-marital affair has ended!

Until next time,
Ruth Purple,
P.S. I also write about relationship topics in my blog which you can visit here:, and in email newsletters such as this which I send out on a regular basis.